Of a Rescue Gone Weird
by Above the Winter Moonlight
Summary: Inspired by Robot Chicken Star Wars Edition. As Luke, Han and Chewie try to rescue the Princess on the Death Star, Vader is confronted by someone…and its not whom anyone may think. R&R please. Couldn't think of better title, sorry. Rated for safety.


**~ Well, this is my second oneshot parody and I hope you like it. A scene in Star Wars Edition of Robot Chicken inspired parts of it and I hope you like it. I don't own this idea, all credit goes to Robot Chicken and their creator Seth Greene. I also don't own Star Wars, Twilight, Eragon, Warriors and the Death Gate Cycle, George Lucas, Stephanie Meyer, Christopher Paolini, Erin Hunter, Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman do. Well, here it is and I hope you like it. And sorry about the title, I couldn't think of anything else. Also this is very random and crazy and not meant to be taken seriously.**

**~Blaze~**

* * *

**Of a Rescue Gone Weird**

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_A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…_

Obi-Wan Kenobi straightened up in the control room before gazing around at Han and Luke as they closed the door behind them. Luke took of his helmet before tossing it to the ground. "What is with those damn helmets?" he grumbled. "I couldn't see a thing through them."

"Stop complaining, Kid, before you bring the entire army down on us," Han snapped as he too took of the helmet before relaxing in a chair and gazing out toward the _Millennium Falcon_. "How the hell are we going to get out of here?"

"I'm going to go turn off the tractor beam," Obi-Wan offered, feeling a disturbance in the Force that he has not felt since Mustafar eighteen years earlier.

"I'll come with you, anything to get out of this blasted hole," Luke offered, instantly getting to his feet and walking over to join Obi-Wan.

"No, you stay here," Obi-Wan said before pulling out a book from beneath his cloak. "Here, read this, it'll keep your mind occupied, I'll go shut off the tractor beam and you two as well as the droids can get the hell out of here."

"Twilight," Luke murmured, reading the cover of the book. "Hmmm, never read it before."

"It's a sappy love story," Han said.

"You've read it?"

Han looked down. "I never said that," he snapped.

Obi-Wan smiled knowingly before slipping out of the room and closing the door behind him. He made his way down the hallway, feeling Vader's presence onboard the Death Star as he made his way toward the tractor beam room.

"How in the world do you know where that room is?" Eragon asked, appearing out of nowhere.

"Who the hell are you?" Obi-Wan gasped, leaping up with fright and struggling to keep the surprise from showing on his face.

Tigerstar appeared before grabbing Eragon's ear in his jaws. "Wrong story," he grunted before dragging Eragon away. Who knew a cat could have so much strength, Obi-Wan didn't, that was for sure. He shook his head, wondering why the hell a cat and a character from _Inheritance_ _Cycle_ was in this story. Deciding to not worry about it, he made his way deeper into the Death Star's hallways.

~*~

Meanwhile, Artoo let out a series of beeps and whistles and Luke looked up sharply as he saved his spot in the book before closing it and placing it on the control panel. "What is it, Artoo?" he asked.

Threepio gazed at Artoo as he continued to beep and whistle. "I don't quite understand, he keeps saying Starbucks is closing in nine minutes," he said.

"Ah man, I wanted to get a cappuccino," Han complained.

Artoo beeped angrily and Threepio glanced at the little blue droid. "My bad, he said it's her and keeps repeating she's here, she's here," he translated.

"Who's here?" Luke asked curiously.

"Princess Jazmine," Threepio replied before jumping back as Artoo shocked him. "Ow, you stupid bucket of bolts."

Artoo beeped angrily before letting out a tirade of beeps and whistles and Threepio scoffed. "You said Princess Jazmine."

Artoo beeped.

"Did too."

Artoo beeped again.

"Did too!"

Artoo beeped again.

"DID TOO!"

"Stop arguing you two and tell us what Artoo really told you, Threepio before I shut you down," Luke snapped growing impatient.

"All right, all right, he said Princess Leia is here and she is scheduled to be terminated," Threepio replied.

"We have to save her," Luke gasped.

"The old man told us to stay here," Han snapped. "And if I'm not going to get a cappuccino out of it then I'm staying right here!"

"But they're going to kill her!" Luke snapped angrily.

"Better her than me," Han snapped.

"You idiotic stupid conceited nerfherder, can't you think about anyone other than yourself? There's going to be a reward, I'm sure of it, and you can buy all the cappuccino's you want. But no, all you want is to save your own skin," Luke snapped angrily.

Chewbacca growled angrily but Han held up a hand. "A reward you say," he said, narrowing his eyes.

"Well, duh, she's rich, she's a princess, of course they'll give you a reward, idiot," Luke snapped, picking up his book and opening to where he left off.

"Well, let's go rescue her," Han said getting up.

"Oh now you decide, after I got into a good part of my book," Luke grumbled placing the book on the control panel before grabbing his helmet. "God, not this again," he complained as he put the helmet over his head.

"Let's go," Han said grabbing his blaster before putting the cuff's on Chewbacca and walking toward the entrance to the control room.

"Stay here, Threepio," Luke ordered also grabbing his blaster and following Han.

"Might I ask, sir, but what should we do if they come here?" Threepio asked, starting to follow them.

"Lock the door," Luke replied walking out of the room.

"And hope they don't have blasters," Han added following Luke with Chewbacca, growling in laughter, just behind him.

"That isn't reassuring," Threepio muttered.

Artoo beeped and whistled something and Threepio glared at him. "What is that supposed to mean?" he demanded.

Artoo beeped innocently as if to say 'nothing' and Threepio snorted before glaring at Artoo angrily.

~*~

Darth Vader stood in the command room, narrowing his as a disturbance in the Force came to him. A disturbance he has not felt since Mustafar eighteen years earlier. He pushed the dark memories to the back of his mind before looking at Moff Tarkin.

"He's here," he murmured. "I know he is."

"Obi-Wan Kenobi? Shouldn't he be dead by now?" Tarkin asked.

Vader was about to say something when a voice sounded. "Ani? Oh Ani, it is yousa," Jar Jar Binks cried rushing forward, his big ears flapping in the wind as he rushed to stand in front of Vader.

"Jar Jar, I am no longer Anakin Skywa…" Vader began but Jar Jar interrupted.

"What happened to yousa, Ani? Did yousa get burned? Oh my, oh my," Jar Jar cried as he took of Vader's helmet. Vader instantly put it back on before glaring at Jar Jar.

"Jar Jar, don't talk to me again," he snapped.

"Oh Ani, what happened to yousa? Yousa all black and wearing nothing but black, and yousa ugly underneath that helmet," Jar Jar cried, not having heard Vader.

"Jar Jar," Vader began but Jar Jar interrupted him again.

"Yousa need medical attention, what happened? Why yousa here, Ani? Why are yousa here? Yousa should be with the others. Misa miss you, Ani," Jar Jar cried jubilantly.

Vader sighed before grabbing Jar Jar's large ear and walking out of the command center, dragging Jar Jar with him. "Stop that crying, Jar Jar," he snapped angrily, noticing the tears that were streaming down Jar Jar's face. "The Separatists are going to attack, quick, get into the escape pod."

He opened the door leading to an airlock before tossing Jar Jar into it. "But wait, if thisa escape, where issa pod?" Jar Jar asked but Vader closed the door in his face before pressing the button. The airlock opened and Jar Jar was thrown into the depths of space.

"Finally," Vader muttered before walking back to the control room.

~*~

Meanwhile, Luke and Han walked side by side as they reached the detention level. "All right, let's make this believable," Han muttered as they walked into the detention center. One of the people in charge stood up before glaring at them.

"Where are you taking this…thing?" the man asked.

"Prisoner transfer, from cell block, 1181," Han reported.

"I wasn't notified, I'll have to clear it," the man said but before he could say anything, Chewbacca broke free before grabbing Han's blaster and starting to shoot everything in sight.

"Look out, he's loose," Han shouted, grabbing the blaster before pointing it at one of the men and releasing a blaster bolt. Chewbacca pulled out his crossbow before hitting a man upside the head with it.

"I've got him," Luke said, grabbing his own blaster before blasting the men in front of him. Once everyone was out of the play, Luke walked toward the hallway leading to the princess's cell.

"I've got this under control here, go on, Luke and be quick," Han said, taking off his helmet and walking toward the comlink.

Luke nodded in reply before walking down the hallway. Han turned on the comlink before starting to speak.

"Um, everything's fine up here, situation normal," Han said.

"What happened up there?" the voice at the other end asked.

"Had a slight weapons malfunction but everything's fine now, um, how are you?" Han asked.

"We're sending a squad up," the trooper at the other end said.

"Um, negative, negative, we have a reactor leak on this floor, highly dangerous," Han said quickly.

"There's no reactor on that floor," the trooper protested.

"Um, well, I talked to…" Han pulled out a directory of everyone that worked on the detention floor before flipping through it. "Ethan Stone and he says there is a reactor on this floor."

"Hold on," the trooper said before going off line. There was a long moment of silence and Chewbacca made his way over to the area beyond the control panel. He glanced at Han before shrugging and gesturing toward the prisoner's hallway. Han motioned for him to be quiet as a voice came back on line.

"Okay, I have Ethan on the line, Ethan, did you install a reactor on the detention level?" the trooper asked.

"Um, no, no, there's no reactor up there," Ethan reported.

"Um, well, I'm staring at a reactor," Han said gesturing in front of him though there was nothing there. "Are you sure Vader didn't install it?"

"Hold on," the trooper said and a moment later, the sound of raspy breathing sounded.

"What do you want?" Vader demanded.

"Lord Vader, did you install a reactor on the detention level?" the trooper asked.

"Umm, reactor? Hmm, Shelly, get me the plans for the Death Star," Vader called and there was a moment of silence. "Reactor…Reactor," Vader murmured.

Chewbacca glanced at Han and Han, bored, leaned against the control panel before biting his lip to keep from sighing. Chewbacca glanced at him before tip toeing past the control panel and down the hallway to assist Luke.

"No, there is no reactor on that floor but we could build one, we can always use another reactor," Vader said.

"We'll send a squad up to start building it," the trooper added.

"Um, no, we have everything under control," Han said quickly before blasting the comlink and sighing. "Boring conversation anyway. Luke, hurry up in there, we have a reactor to build."

Luke, who was busy staring at the beautiful woman in front of him, didn't reply. Leia glared at him before sitting up. "Aren't you a little short for a Stormtrooper?" she asked.

"Hey! I'm not short!" Luke complained, taking off the helmet before tossing it to the ground and glaring at Leia. "I'm Luke Skywalker and I'm here to rescue you."

"You?" Leia started laughing like a mad woman and Luke bit back the urge to slam his head against the wall of the cell.

"I'm here with Ben Kenobi," he said finally, hoping that would jolt Leia out of her laughing fit.

"Ben Kenobi? Obi-Wan? Where is he?" Leia demanded sobering quickly.

"Come on," Luke shouted, pulling out his blaster before hurrying out of the cell with Leia behind him. Han hurried down the hallway as blaster bolts sounded on the locked door and it burst inward and Stormtroopers stumbled into the room before shooting at them.

"Ha, who taught you how to shoot?" Luke cried.

"Stop agitating those Stormtroopers," Han and Leia snapped as they pelted the troopers with blaster bolts. Luke joined in before pulling out his comlink.

"Threepio!" he called into it.

"What is it, master Luke?" Threepio asked.

"Are there any other escape routes on the detention level?" Luke demanded. There was a bunch of static and it was followed by a curse.

"What was that, I didn't copy," Luke said quickly.

"I dropped my damn can of oil and the only escape route is through the main doors," Threepio replied before the comlink went dead.

"Figured that," Luke muttered. "What does he expect us to do? Go up to them and ask politely to be let out."

"They might do it," Han said. "They think we're building a reactor up here."

"Well, who was the idiot who said that?" Leia asked.

Luke and Chewbacca pointed to Han and Leia sighed. "I thought so," she muttered before blasting another Stormtrooper and then turning Luke's blaster to a vent and blasting it.

"Looks like I'm going to have to save all of our asses," she hissed before tossing the blaster at Luke who didn't catch it and it slammed into the ground before starting to smoke.

"Uh oh," Luke said, kicking the blaster, that also happened to have a grenade on it, at the Stormtroopers.

"Into the garbage shoot, fly boy," Leia snapped, diving into the shoot. Chewbacca growled but Han glared at him.

"Get in there, you furry oaf, I don't care what you smell," Han snapped, pushing Chewbacca in and he could have sworn he heard Chewie spit French, Vietnamese, Portuguese, Huttese and Spanish curses under his breath. "You too, kid."

"Fine by me," Luke said, diving into the hole. Han quickly followed them and almost as soon as he crashed into the watery garbage masher, a loud explosion caused the entire Death Star to shake.

~*~

Obi-Wan, who was busying shutting off the tractor beam, staggered slightly when the Death Star shook and shook his head. _Luke forgot there was a grenade on the blaster I gave him,_ he thought as he made his way down the hallway. The Stormtroopers walked into the open but Obi-Wan used the Force to make a sound beyond them. He began walking forward and tripped on a piece of pie before going sprawling into the next room.

"Ohhhh, PIE!" Eragon shouted, appearing out of nowhere before grabbing the pie Obi-Wan tripped over.

"WRONG STORY!" Tigerstar snapped grabbing Eragon's ear in his jaws before dragging him away from the story.

Edward glanced at all of them. "What's with them?" he asked.

Bella shook her head. "I wish I knew," she replied.

"Who the hell are you?" Obi-Wan asked as he picked himself up before pulling out his lightsaber.

"Wrong Story!" Murtagh said, grabbing Bella and Edward with a strength no one ever knew he had and dragged them out of the story.

"That was weird," Obi-Wan muttered before walking away down the hallway and he felt the disturbance in the Force once again.

~*~

Darth Vader made his way out of the command center as he felt another disturbance in the Force. He now instantly recognized his former master's Force signature and he smiled beneath the helmet. _Time to deal with him, once and for all,_ he thought.

"Who the hell are you?" Zifnab demanded.

Vader stared at the old man. "Who the hell are you?" he demanded.

"I asked you first, hey, you're the owner of the _Millennium Falcon,_ aren't you? No what, that was a human man, not a cyborg. Hey, you're that kid, what his name's, father?"

"I don't have a kid," Vader snapped.

"No, you do, you do, you just don't know it yet, ah yes, now I know you, you're Zifnab."

"No, that's your name, you idiot," a dragon said as it poked it's head into the hallway. "Come away from him and go eat something, you're as skinny as a toothpick."

"Pss, do you happen to have a pipe and some tobacco?" Zifnab whispered to Vader.

"I heard that," the dragon snapped before grabbing Zifnab and dragging him away from Vader.

Vader shook his head. "That was weird, well not as weird as…" he began before shaking his head again and starting to walk down the hallway again.

~*~

Luke was busy trying to contact Threepio, who was somewhere in the hallways between the control room and the _Falcon_. "Threepio, come in!" he shouted as the walls began to close in on them.

"Come on, support it," Han snapped angrily.

"At least we weren't attacked by anything but nonetheless, brilliant plan," Leia said sarcastically glaring at Han as they struggled to brace the walls.

"Thank you," Han said.

"I was being sarcastic."

"Yea, well, so was I."

"Oh shut up, you stuck up half witted scruffy looking nerfherder."

"Who's scruffy looking?"

"Shut up and brace the damn wall already," Luke snapped, losing what little patience he had left. Well, what patience he had in the first place at least. He turned on his comlink. "Threepio, answer your god damn comlink, hurry!"

"The walls continued to close in on all sides as Luke struggled to make contact with Threepio. In a hallway, outside the control room, Threepio was struggling to find his master with Artoo and the comlink was off. Elsewhere, Vader and Obi-Wan…" the narrator said.

"We don't need a damn narrator, we need a way out of here, you idiot," Han snapped, blasting the narrator before helping Leia onto the large pole. "Get on top of it."

"I'm trying," Leia snapped.

"Threepio, hurry up and answer your stupid comlink before I kick your ass to the next galaxy," Luke shouted having already lost his patience a long time ago.

"Oh right, the comlink, I shut it off," Threepio said before turning on the comlink in the hallway outside the control room. "Master Luke, are you there?"

"Threepio?"

"We seem to have some minor prob…" Threepio began.

"Will you shut up and listen to me, you idiot? Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention. Did you hear me through that thick piece of cobweb you call a brain. Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level."

"Hurry Artoo, shut them all down," Threepio said quickly though he took to offense Luke's statement about him having cobwebs for brains.

~*~

While the garbage masher was shut down and the door was open, Vader and Obi-Wan were dueling. "The circle is now complete," Vader said. "I was the learner and now I am the…the…god damn it, what was my line?" Vader demanded.

Ashfur appeared before handing the script to Vader and hurried away from him. Vader destroyed the script before turning his attention to Obi-Wan. "I knew that," he snapped. "And now I am the master."

"Only the master of evil, Darth," Obi-Wan snapped before swinging his lightsaber at Vader who blocked it swiftly and both their lightsabers suddenly flew into Galbatorix, who had appeared out of nowhere.

Galbatorix gasped. "Good God," he muttered before collapsing on the ground dead.

"Not again," Vader complained. He walked over to find that his lightsaber had somehow flown right over Galbatorix while Obi-Wan's had flown straight into him.

"Isn't that the seventeenth time you've lost that thing?" Obi-Wan asked.

"At least I didn't break it," Vader snapped but when he tried to turn on the lightsaber, it just sparked and did nothing. "Ah come on, good God, Palpatine's going to kill me. This is the third lightsaber I've broken this month."

"Third?" Obi-Wan echoed.

Vader rolled his eyes before glancing up at the sky. "Can I have some help here?" he called.

"Fine, here you go," Tigerstar meowed, pushing a red lightsaber forward with his nose.

"Thanks," Vader said, igniting it before swinging it at Obi-Wan who blocked and the two of them made their way deeper down the hallway, heading toward a huge doorway that looked at the _Falcon._

"Ohh, a battle, let's get front row seats," the Stormtroopers said to each other before walking over to watch the duel.

~*~

At that moment, Luke and Leia joined up with Han and Chewbacca. "What took you guys so long?" Han asked.

"Leia got lost and then we ran into some old friends," Luke replied.

"You're the one that got lost, you idiot," Leia snapped, smacking Luke upside the head.

"You got lost, you idiot," Luke snapped.

Leia snorted before glancing at the _Falcon_. "You came in that thing, you're braver than I thought," she muttered.

"Thanks," Han said dryly. "Let's go while the Stormtroopers are distracted." He led the way toward the _Falcon_ and at the other end of the room, Artoo and Threepio made their way toward the _Falcon_.

Luke stopped when he noticed Ben fighting with Vader. "Ben?" he called.

Obi-Wan glanced at Luke before smiling at Vader. "Hahahaha, if you strike me down, you will still lose," he said gleefully.

"Shut up, old man," Vader snapped angrily.

"I will haunt you for the rest of your life," Obi-Wan said in a spooky voice as he lowered his defenses before placing his lightsaber in front of him.

Vader scowled before swinging his lightsaber swiftly at Obi-Wan, slicing through him and sending his lightsaber flying into a wall. It hit it hard before deactivating, Vader hoped it didn't break again.

"Not again," Vader complained.

"NO!" Luke shouted at the exact same time.

"He looks like me," Vader murmured looking at Luke who was blasting the Stormtroopers. Vader started walking toward the door but Luke blasted the switch to the door and Vader walked right smack into the blast doors.

"Damn, open these damn blast doors," he complained.

Nothing happened.

"God damn it, I said open them."

"Make up your god damn mind," the troopers snapped before opening the blast doors to a stream of blaster shots.

"Close the blast doors," Vader ordered already moving away from the blast shots to find his lightsaber.

"God, make up your mind!" the trooper shouted, closing the blast doors.

~*~

Meanwhile, Luke hurried into the ship before sitting down at the table and lowering his head. "I can't believe he's gone," he murmured.

"He knew what he was doing," Leia said, putting a blanket around Luke's shoulders.

"You're pretty," Luke murmured.

Leia started. "What?" she demanded icily.

"Um, nothing, never mind," Luke said quickly.

Leia glared at him. "I thought so," she said coldly before stalking out of the room and toward the other end of the _Falcon._

"Well, she is pretty," Luke said, seeing Chewbacca's incredulous stare. "I was just telling her the truth." He sighed before stretching and getting to his feet to help Han shoot the TIE fighters that were chasing them.

~*~

**Epilogue**

Vader was in a happy mood as he made his way toward his chambers. He had seen the end of Obi-Wan Kenobi and tomorrow, he'll get to see the end of the rebellion. Today was the best day since the Empire's rise. His thoughts went to the boy that he had seen in the hangar bay of the Death Star. _Why did that boy look so familiar?_ He wondered silently.

At that instant, the ghost of Jar Jar Binks appeared beside Vader's pod. "Ohh, lookie, Ani, misa all sparkly and glowy," he cried happily.

"Ugh," Vader groaned as he rested his head on the back of his chair.

"Misa can walk through things, Ani, watch." Jar Jar walked through the walls surrounding the bed before coming to Vader's side. "We are going to have so much fun together and misa can stay here forever and ever and ever."

"Ugh," Vader groaned again, burying his helmeted head in his hands and Jar Jar continued to talk and talk and talk.

So much for today being the best day since the Empire's rise.

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**~A/n what do you think? I liked it, especially the ending which was again inspired by the Star Wars Edition of Robot Chicken. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you can see parts of the movie on YouTube, just look up Star Wars Robot Chicken, there are different parts but I'm sure you'll like it. Though some parts were stupid but others were hilarious, such as the one I used in this oneshot idea. Well, I hope you liked it and please review so that I can see what you think about it.**

**~ Blaze ~**


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